"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."
— Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Most leaders believe they are good listeners.
They make eye contact.
They nod.
They don't interrupt (much!).
And yet, many employees still walk away from conversations feeling unheard, misunderstood, or even worse, dismissed.
In my work facilitating leadership development and resolving workplace conflict, this disconnect comes up again and again. Leaders are often surprised when feedback suggests their listening isn't landing the way they intend.
Drawing on my background as a psychologist, mediator, and former police hostage negotiator, I see how easily good intentions fall short when listening isn't deliberate. The gap is rarely about effort. It's about how listening is understood and practised at work. Listening is not a passive skill. It's an active leadership behaviour and one that sits at the heart of psychological safety and trust.
We tend to equate listening with silence.
If we're not talking, we assume we're listening.
But research and practice tell a different story. Active listening involves far more than hearing words. It requires attention to meaning, emotion, and intent while managing our own reactions and assumptions in real time. Listening actually requires us to be present.
One of the biggest barriers? Most of us listen with an agenda.
That might be efficient, but it's not always effective.
As one leadership researcher put it, "You're not a sponge absorbing information, you're more like a trampoline, amplifying or distorting what lands on you." When leaders jump too quickly to solutions, employees often stop sharing the real issue.
A useful way to think about listening is to recognise that different situations require different listening approaches. Research into adaptive listening shows that people tend to default to one primary listening style; for example, problem-solving, analysing, supporting, or deeply exploring. None of these styles are inherently wrong. The problem arises when the leader’s listening style doesn’t match what the speaker actually needs.
Effective listening isn't about listening your way, it's about listening the way the other person needs.
A team member raising a safety concern doesn't need reassurance.
An employee expressing frustration doesn't need advice.
A leader seeking input doesn't need to be talked over.
When leaders fail to adapt, people quickly learn it's safer to say less.
Across psychology, negotiation, and leadership research, the same patterns show up again and again.
Great listeners:
As a former police hostage negotiator, success depended on trust under extreme pressure. Listening was defined as turning information into intelligence and involved focusing on understanding values, emotions, and goals before speaking at all.
That same discipline applies in everyday leadership conversations.
If listening feels abstract, start here.
Most people stop listening because they're busy preparing their reply.
Try this instead:
People feel heard when their meaning is accurately reflected, not when advice is offered.
Listening isn't just about words. It's about gaps, hesitations, and emotional cues.
A simple question like:
"What's the part of this that's most frustrating for you?" can surface issues that would otherwise stay hidden.
In leadership programs and conflict resolution work, I often see well-intentioned leaders unknowingly shut down conversation by listening too quickly, too efficiently, or too defensively.
One leader once said to me: "I didn't realise my team stopped speaking because they thought I already had the answer."
Small moments matter.
When people don't feel listened to, they don't challenge decisions, raise risks, or admit mistakes. Over time, silence becomes the norm and silence is where psychological safety quietly erodes.
Listening isn't a soft skill. It's a risk management skill.
Listening has been written about for centuries. From Cicero to modern leadership research, the principles remain strikingly consistent: don't interrupt, don't dominate, and don't make it about yourself. And yet, in fast-paced, high-pressure workplaces, listening is often the first thing sacrificed.
So here's the question I'll leave you with:
When was the last time someone at work felt genuinely changed by the way you listened to them?
Because that, more than policies, slogans, or training, is where trust and psychological safety truly begin.
References:
Kieran Plasto is a psychologist, mediator, and former police negotiator and detective who helps leaders navigate complex conversations with clarity, compassion, and humanity. His work focuses on resolving conflict and building healthier, more resilient workplace cultures.